Confession: yesterday I posted the video clip from Despicable Me 2 featuring the song "Happy"- but I was anything but happy ALL day. Not that the whole day was shot, but playing that song over and over again was more of a pep talk than my actual state of mind.
Long story made short: I was on antibiotics while in labor with Erin, because of that she got thrush, gave it to me, and for the first FOUR months of her life we were both fighting it like crazy. I mean, we did EVERYTHING we were supposed to be doing and more. The "yeasty beasty" refused to go away. I finally demanded the doctor give me an anti fungal pill- and within two days, we were all cleared up. What a happy day that was! For almost two months life was as it should be.
Well, yesterday I noticed a diaper rash that looked a little too much like a thrush rash, so I checked her mouth- much to my dismay there was some small white patches. Now, this may seem drastic, it seems so to me- but I got terribly mad. As my mom would put it, "Spitting mad." For about 15 min. I sat on my living room floor, seething. Asking why? How? I thought we were all good! What did I do wrong? The thought of having to do all that rigmarole of washing things in bleach, or vinegar, and swabbing her mouth with gentian violet...it just all got to me. Quickly. Then it got worse. All the other little annoyances, stresses, failures, doubts...about anything and everything came flooding into my mind. It wasn't pretty and I didn't like myself. I didn't like that something could cause me to become so crazy mad. I'm usually so laid back and easy going, I love letting things roll of my back---sometimes to a fault maybe. How is this different? How did it go from a happy day, to me noticing the dust in a corner that I didn't get to, the pile of laundry that I keep meaning to iron, the cookies I mean to bake for my neighbors, and all the other things that I'm NOT doing-- or not doing good enough. My life all seemed like an EPIC FAIL.
So, I wallowed for a while. I just sat and soured. Hating it and loving it.
I decided to finish up my homework for a women's book study I'm doing, and it was a bunch of, " Evaluate your walk with God..and "Evaluate your parenting"....Oh. In my rage, I wrote down all my feelings. It was a lot of, " I know it should be this...but it's not. I want it to be this...but it's not." I shut my binder thinking, well, the girls tomorrow are going to see another side of me. Guess I will be in the market for new friends.
Then I read something, and despite all my effort to not let it sink in, it did. Slowly, ever so slowly, my eyebrows began to un-furrow and my mind began to settle down.
"I want to glorify Him with the things I'm good at, and the things I'm not doing well at right now too.
Excellence is great, but our weaknesses are where Christ shows His power because we are humbled and need Him the most! :)
And being a homemaker, wife, and mama is sanctifying in so many ways, but thankfully God never forsakes us. And you know what? Our homes could be perfectly run, but without the love of Christ, it is empty work. He brings the glory and the calling and ability to love our families through His power- not our own! And you can believe He can and will work in and through our imperfections." -- Mandy from Biblical Homemaking (click link below for her blog page)
There it was. I could not ignore that truth and I sat, humbled. Finally able to pray with un-clenched teeth--what can I say? GOD IS SO GOOD. Peace never seems so sweet, than after a time of out of control self bullying. Not that it changes the fact that, yes, Erin has thrush again, and no, I'm not the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor...you know all those titles that I want to live up to. Having my purpose reiterated, being reminded that GOD is the one who gave me that purpose, and not only that but is giving me the strength to live it out--is healing. Calming.
Today, the sun is out! Luke woke up SO happy. Somehow, the leftover dishes from last night aren't killing me. Oh, and the pile of ironing is STILL there. My goal is to get those things done today. It's also my goal to live today, fully leaning on Christ's strength. Reminding myself that my joy in the Lord IS my strength.
In other news: I tried "oil pulling" last night. By far that is the nastiest thing I've done in a while. For some reason swishing oil around in my mouth for 20 min. made me want to barf. Not sure I'll be one of the many that benefit from this ancient practice...we'll see.
Quote from Biblical Homemaking Blog
I loved this post. I am hoping to try oil pulling...we'll see what kind of experience I have ;)
ReplyDeleteYou'll have to let me know how your oil pulling goes!
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